This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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