On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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