I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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