the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
