i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
