If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
