This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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