I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
