He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
