So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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