I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
