I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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