guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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