I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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