I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
