I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
