dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
