remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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