he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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