K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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