HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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