and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
