A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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