Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
