wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
