is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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