I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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