I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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