he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
