Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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