My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
