I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
