if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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