I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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