Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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