Barsexuality is the new black.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
