If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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