Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
