Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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