Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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