organizing the empties. That sober.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
