Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
