I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
