So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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