Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
