just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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