True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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