She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
