He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
