I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
