Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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