I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
