i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
