FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
