my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
high people should be assigned attendants
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
